全美TOP100大学申请Essay写作秘籍_留学快讯_教育

全美TOP100大学申请Essay写作秘籍

http://edu.QQ.com　 2008年08月01日19:03 　腾讯教育　　我要评论(0)　

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留学快讯 | 院校推荐 | 申请技巧 | 海外慢镜头 | 海归聚焦点

参考：权威媒体国外院校排行
接触：腾讯专访百所海外名校

热门：留学就要学商科吗？
分析：金融危机下的出国留学

实用：签证体检行李入境
独家：答疑专访 BBC英伦专区

上面的文章向大家介绍了一下我们此次《天堂美国非常行动》暨美国Top 100大学Essay 写作选秀大赛的几个重要评审标准。在这里，我主要通过一个具体例子向大家介绍如何写一篇出色的Essay。

题目：Tell us what you like to do for fun. (1000字符以内)

下面是一篇学生依据这个题目写的Essay：

Playing Chinese folk musical instrument at home or going to Beijing Music Hall is my favorite thing in my spare time. When I was practicing the Urheen, flute, Xiao or Chinese Zither, I would totally relax my mind and just concentrate on expressing the music with my movements. While I was sitting in the music hall, I could just indulge myself into the fantastic melody, feeling the perfect fusion of different musical instruments in the concert. For young people in my age, good at playing so many Chinese folk musical instruments is an unbelievable thing, because it needs a lot of practice and persistence. However, I never felt it hard, though it was difficult to learn. I had a special love for Chinese folk music and its culture background. I enjoyed being able to make “noise” with my musical instruments, when I was a beginner and my performance sucked. But every day, I would ask myself to make progress. Little by little, when the noisy sound became kind of beautiful melody, I can’t stop practicing them everyday ever after.

首先，这篇Essay的题材选择还是非常不错的，体现了该申请者对中国传统音乐的热爱，而不是选择玩电脑游戏、逛街这样的题材。然而，这篇Essay用词和句式都过于简单，很难在审核文书材料的时间内（一般在30分钟左右）引起招生委员会官员的兴趣。

下面是我们的专业老师根据这篇Essay进行修改后的文章：

The plaintiveness of erhu, the remoteness of flute, the transparency of xiao, and crystal clarity of guzheng --- in the variety and unique beauty of the music I created you will see who I am, both graceful and a bit maverick. I like to try Western masterpieces and pop songs on these national musical instruments, the exploration of which offers me abundant excitement upon discovering some new melody. Besides, I take it a great pleasure to improvise to my different feelings and moods: beats for triumphs, sobs for sorrow, bursts for anger, and simply any free style for unlimited imagination. In playing folk music I find a haven where I can rejoice, relax and heal. What I love most about playing folk music is that I could pass on to the audience heartrending love, burning desires, or thrilling euphoria in an intangible language.

修改后的Essay形式上明显充实许多，且用词优雅、句式优美，体现了写作者较高的英文写作功底。就内容上说，充分体现了作者对中国传统音乐的执着热爱和对西方流行音乐与中国传统音乐乐器结合的尝试。

希望这篇文章能够对参赛者有所帮助，能让大家从这个例子中得到些许启示，让自己的Essay更加成功。

[责任编辑:ellabao]